Who I Am and How I Got Here

Welcome everyone! I have built this website as a way to communicate with my readers and supporters. The blog posts will serve as a practice tool to work on my writing, and also let you (the readers) know about what is going on with my life, my writing journey, and any writing tips or tricks I may learn along the way. For this first blog post, I thought I could introduce myself and tell you a little about HOW I got here.

If you know me in my personal life, I want to thank you for being here. I have had many people support and encourage me along this wild ride of life. Those people know who they are, this wouldn't be possible without them.

If you're just happening upon me, a big welcome hug to you. Please consider this a safe space for you, no matter your background. I aim to be as inclusive, fair, and diverse as a writer as I try to be in my personal life.

My name is Kelly Miller, a 30-something mother of four who has been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years. I became a SAHM before I even knew what a SAHM was. Honestly, I am still not sure I have mastered it yet. But by some miracle, all of us have made it out alive so far, so I can't be doing too bad, right? Fresh out of High School in 2009, I graduated with no plans for my future. All I wanted was a family, and so in my freshman year of college that year I married my HS sweetheart of four years. After we married, we gained custody of my husband's nephew, Hayden, who was only 17 months old.

I dropped out of my college classes soon after to be able to focus on my new marriage and my new life as a mom. That is how my journey into motherhood started, being a mom to a son that wasn't mine by blood, but would later become my son through time and love. Then in 2011, I gave birth to my first born son, Braxton. Braxton brought our little family closer together, and was adored by both of our extended families. On Braxton's 1st birthday, I was shocked to find out I was already pregnant again. I gave birth to our second son, Blake, in October of 2012. My life was happening so quickly, I never stopped to think about what I wanted other than the love of my husband and children. My entire identity revolved around being their mother.

I stayed at home with three boys all under the age of 6, while my husband traveled and worked overseas as a contractor. He was absent most of the time, missing huge chunks of the children's young lives to be able to support our family. I was lonely, and overwhelmed as a young woman struggling with depression and anxiety. In 2013, I found out I was pregnant yet again. I was already completely underwater, how would I be able to take care of a fourth child? Could a married woman ethically get an abortion? Would this child be better off with another family, one that could give it a much better life? Ultimately I decided that I would keep my baby, and in April of 2014 our first daughter was born, Hadley. We fell completely in love with her, and were so thankful that she came into our lives. After my third pregnancy and gaining another son in getting Hayden, I felt that my life was complete. I had kids, plenty in fact, and I had my husband, who I thought would be with me for the rest of my life. So at the young age of 24, and against the advice of all my doctors, I got my tubes tied. I would never be able to become pregnant again.

If you were to ask me to pinpoint where our marriage went wrong, I don't know that I would be able to. I do know that at some point we simply could not co-exist. I woke up one day around 25 years old, miserable and completely alone. His time away from us became my peace, and the weeks he spent at home in his off time felt like I was living with a stranger. Sometime around 2016, we labeled ourselves as an "open marriage." We still lived together for the kids sake, but looking back now I can see that we were only preventing the inevitable. I was convinced that I was doing what was best for my kids by staying in a marriage that was toxic and volatile. But my children, and my daughter especially, deserved to see their mother happy. I deserved to be happy. We officially split for the last time sometime in 2018, our marriage ending with him moving away to Colorado.

Alone and with four kids to support, I started spiraling after the separation. I turned to alcohol and started abusing drugs as a means of coping with my seemingly failure of a life so far. I was angry at myself for giving so much of my life and time to someone else, when I should've been focused on myself and building a life of my own for me and my kids. In the midst of my breakdown, and at my lowest, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I never could see how my life would get better, in my eyes I had ruined everything. All I ever wanted was to make a family of my own, and to give my children something I didn't have, and now I would never be able to do that. Mentally, I was extremely unwell. I could tell that I needed help, and reached out to my family. My mom came to stay with me for a while. She got me help at MHMR and I found someone I could talk to. My step-dad and step-mom came to live with me so that I could start work. Eventually, I became a bartender at a local pool hall.

There, I would meet my future boyfriend of now three and a half years. I was terrified to get into a relationship again, and so quickly. The connection between us was undeniable, though. Every day I have spent with him is one spent with my best friend. We moved in together at the end of May in 2019. After several months of living together, and still fairly new as far as relationship standards go, he got orders to deploy to Poland. It devastated me because my fears were then confirmed. I was hesitant to be with someone in the ARMY, because I was afraid to be in a relationship where I was alone again. During the deployment, I was getting accustomed to my new life. I tried to figure out what I could do that would help time pass by. I spent a lot of time painting, writing, and hanging out with my only friends, my kids. Then in March of 2020, about five months into his deployment, COVID hit. My kids were sent home from school, and didn't go back. Groceries became harder and harder to find, and I was terrified that I would become sick and not be able to care for my kids. I was completely in panic mode, for months. When he came home in July of 2020, things slowly got better. But I was coming out of survival mode, one that I think I had been in since I was a child. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or what I envisioned for my future. I was 30, and yet I had nothing to show for it. I started writing in my spare time to cope with the mundane routine of everyday life.

In 2021, we moved to Oklahoma. Life became an easy, slow-paced, country type of living for me. I spent an entire summer laid out by the lake, kids splashing in the water beside me. I had time to, just simply, be. I was more present in my body and mind than I ever had been. I felt like I was gaining perspective on why all the terrible things in my life had happened. I was finding my authentic place in this world by sharing my story online, by spreading a message of hope to moms and young women struggling with their mental health.

In January of 2022, I started thinking about where I wanted to go next. My kids were all in school. I finally had the mental energy and wanted to make something of myself, I was ready. I enrolled in online college courses and signed up to get my BA in English and Creative Writing. I am hoping that I can spend a lifetime creating amazing stories, and sharing my ability to write with the world. My dream is to become a best-selling author, and I know that with that dream comes a lot of time, effort, and hard work. I will also need a lot support, lots and lots of it. That is why I'm so appreciative of all of my readers and followers.

And that is who I am, what I'm about, and what's happened to me so far. Well, the short version anyway. All the good stuff is in the memoir ; ) If there is one thing to take away about me, it's this. I made a lot of mistakes while trying to figure out where I wanted my life to go, and I'm learning to accept that. I'm learning to love all the parts of myself, even the ones that are hard to love- especially those parts. I'm committed to spending the rest of my days in peace, surrounded by the ones I love, writing about the things I love. Join me?

I do hope that you will stick around and learn more about my life. I will keep this website update with all of my current projects.